Daily Rambling 11- I am an Adoptee :o)

On Sunday, I was cleaning out boxes of stuff I had in the garage, and I came across a lot of stuff from high school, including the essay's I kept that I had been proud of.  One in particular jumped out at me and made me think about this whole adoption thing...

I think I wrote this when I was a junior or senior in high school. I laughed when I read this, because I stated something that is totally NOT TRUE!!! But I guess I believed it whole heartedly back then... so here is what I wrote way back then, with the part that is NOT TRUE in bold. :o)


People often ask me if I ever want to search for my "real" parents, and I reply with, " I live with my real parents. My real parents are the people that I have known for my entire life and lived with my entire life, and there will never be anyone else.


Being adopted, I am unlike any of my friends. All my friends look like their parents, act like their parents, and sometimes even smell like their parents, but they all know of their family background. They have a religion that their families have followed for centuries, they can all look through their family tree and see who they are related to, and they know of hereditary diseases that they might develop later in life. All I've known is what my name is, where I was born, and who my family is. I don't know where any of my ancestors are from, I don't know what religion my ancestors followed, and I don't know if I might die early of cancer, simply because I have no knowledge of family background. It scares me to know that all of my friends have deep, personal backgrounds and I have nothing more than a name and a face and my personality to give to people. Before, when people asked me what my ethnicity was, I would say, "I don't know." I was ashamed to have to say that, when everybody else knew their ethnicity.  Just this last year though, I found out what my ethnic backgrounds were, and then suddenly I made sense to myself. I am part Italian, part Irish, and part American Indian. Knowing that much more about myself after seventeen years has made me feel a whole lot comfortable when people ask that "what are you" question. I can say that my fiery personality comes from my Italian side, my curiosity and my creativeness comes from my Irish side, and my long, strong hair from my American Indian side. But you can't tell all that just by looking at me because I have blond hair and a fair complexion, and when you meet me for the first time, I usually come off as shy.


Back to what I said before. My real parents are the ones that I have known all my life and live with. I have often thought about my birth parents, and what it might have been like if they never gave me up for adoption. For all I know, my life could be worse than it is. Like I said before, the question I get the most is, "Do you ever want to search for your 'real' parents?" My answer is no. And I have my reasons. My birth parents had a good reason to give me up for adoption; they might have been too young to raise a child, they might not have been able to afford a child, there are many possibilities. I am afraid that if I do search for them and find them, they will not want to even look at me. If they wanted to know how I am doing, what I look like grown up, let them search for me. If I were to meet my birth parents one day, and they had searched for me, I would welcome them with open arms. But I would make it clear that I have a family that I love, but I would love to get to know them better, and make them a part of my current family, not a new family.


I said that I would put the part in bold that was not true...Here's the truth. I never knew anything about my birth mom until I turned 30. That is when my mom handed over the packet containing my birth record and copies of the adoption records... I now know  that when I was born, my birth mom had a 6yo son with her at the time, and she cited not being able to raise more than one child as a single mother, and wanting the baby to be with someone better able to care for her, as her reason to give me up for adoption. I also found out that she had also had another daughter who she also gave up for adoption four years before I was born.  As for some of my medical history, she suffered from psoriasis, which I also have, and her sister had migraines, which I am also prone to. Her mother died of a blood clot that started in her leg, at the young age of 36. Parkinson's also runs in the family on her father's side. My ancestry is Scandinavian- a mix of Danish, Finnish, Norwegian, and Swedish. She is the middle of 7 children- she has 2 older sisters and one older brother and 2 younger sisters and one younger brother.  My brother is 6 years older than me, and my sister is 4 years older... and she was adopted out in Washington state.

I have done a search for my birth family. I only got as far as registering on a few adoption sites. However, a Search Angel came to my rescue... she found some amazing information for me. I have a possible location and contact information for and uncle, which would be my bmom's older brother, and also for one of her older sisters. I also have information that my grandfather passed away in 1988. I have been hesitant, however, to contact my uncle. With all the drama I have in my personal life right now, I don't feel that it's the right time to bring a new family into the picture, if I am accepted or even acknowledged.

As for why I lied back then about being part Italian, Irish, and Native American?? I've always been fascinated by those cultures, so that could have been a part of my fantasy. I think I was struggling to find my identity back then, so I took what my fantasy was and actually believed it at some point.

At this point in my life, I have changed my mind about meeting my bmom. I am curious about her. I sincerely hope that she is still alive- she will be turning 60 in August. I also want to meet my brother. When I was out of high school and working, I had many people ask me if I had a brother... I would of course say "No, but I was adopted, so I truly have no idea." Then the person who asked me would say "oh but you look so much like this guy I know..."  Now those statements make me wonder... did that person really know my brother?? They were both living very close to where I grew up, so that is very possible. Unless I reach out and search some more or make contact with my uncle, I guess I will never know. For now though, I need to get my personal life straightened out before I get involved with the family I don't know yet- I need to get prepared for the emotional roller coaster that will be put into full motion when that day comes!