The Daily Ramblings of more than just a Mom!: September 2016

The last few days I've been doing some long overdue house cleaning.

I found a binder behind the couch filled with poems and songs I had written during high school.

All I have to say is...

WOW.

I was in a dark place during high school. No wonder why I don't have many memories from that time period of my life. I had no idea how dark that was either, but re-reading these poems/songs made me feel the need to share them.

I'm sharing them to give people a glimpse into the mind of someone who was reserved. Someone you wouldn't have though now could have ever been anything other than who she is now.

Believe me, I was once into dark stuff. My only high school memories were that of doing music and drama, and the music I listened to. Oh yea. I listened to Pantera, Metallica, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Godsmack... There were more, but I can't remember them all. I actually still listen to them every once in a while, but not as I used to. Heck, my daughter is really into the same music I was in high school... and actually that somewhat scares me. However, she's not the reserved person that I was. She actually goes places with her friends. She actually is socially active, and knows people and talks to everyone. I was NOT that way at all. I actually ran away from home twice when I was in high school. So, yea, I don't remember much else from high school other than I was there.

So here are two poems I wrote back in high school. The first one will strike a chord with the majority of the girls today. So many people seem to feel they have to fit into society a certain way, and when they don't, the only solution, to them, is to commit suicide. I think I wrote this when I was starting to have some suicidal thoughts. This probably was written sometime around the first time I ran away.

Poem 1:

I don't understand

Why life ain't so grand

I don't wanna be insane

But I'm standing in the rain

Why do we have to be

Everything that we see

I look in the mirror

I just wanna kill her

I'm going insane

I can feel the strain

God fails

Satan prevails

I know the devil

He owns the underworld

The seasons pass me by

I'm gonna say goodbye

I don't care what you say

You can't make me stay

I am Insanity

You'll never get away from me

God fails

Satan prevails

I know the devil

He owns the underworld

That's where I will go

You can't tell me no

The mirror cracks

Face the facts

God failed

Satan prevailed.

This second poem has a small notation with it. It says "Inspired by the NBC movie 'A friend to die for.'" I actually had to look that up to see if I could find out information about that movie, because I don't remember anything about it. The movie, as it turns out, is based on a true story.

Poem 2

The moon goes down

The sun goes up

I can't forget last night

But it's too late, I'm stuck

I wanted to be like her

I hate myself

Last night went by in a blur

My head belongs on a shelf

It is I who should die

I'm starting to cry

It is I who should die

It's time for me to fly

The look in her eyes

Her attitude toward life

She got all the guys

I found my knife

Beat by beat

Stab by stab

She ended up in the street

It is not I who is crazy

It is I who is mad

It is I who should die

I can not NOT cry

It is I who should die

It is time for me to fly

Again, the pressures of teenagers. And sadly, if these issues are not talked about and the person does not receive help, they carry on into adult life... and that's when you have all these current news stories about women who flipped out over a small thing and murdered their child, or a dad that got depressed and murdered his entire family before committing suicide himself...

Why am I doing this? Why am I talking about pressures of teenagers and suicide and dark thoughts and 90's movies?

My ultimate motive here is this: This week is National Suicide Prevention Week.

You heard me right.

National Suicide Prevention Week,

Here are some statistics from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (click on the website link for more statistics.)

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.
On average, there are 117 suicides per day.
For every suicide, 25 attempt
Women attempt suicide 3x's more often than men, but men die by suicide 3.5x's more often than women
Suicide rates have gone up over all in the US between 2005 and 2014 (most recent data available)
As of 2014, the highest suicide rate was among people age 85 and older, while the second highest was between 45 and 64 years of age.
In 2014, the top 9 states with the highest suicide rate are (in order of highest rate to lowest):

Montana
Alaska
New Mexico
Wyoming *had the highest jump between 2011 and 2012*
Utah
Idaho
Colorado
Nevada
Oklahoma

What can WE do about this?

You can become an advocate! Take action here, by signing up to become an advocate. You can also participate in walks, help bring prevention programs to the schools, create memory quilts, and more. :)

I am an advisor for the Sheridan United Youth Group #2, and the group became a sponsor for the local Out of the Darkness Walk for Suicide Prevention. We will be walking at the 1st Annual Salem/Keizer, Oregon walk, which will be held on October 8th, 2016.

You can find out if there is a walk in your area by clicking here.

If ANYONE, and I mean ANYONE seems to feel the same way as the feelings shared in the poems I had written in high school, DO NOT HESITATE TO SPEAK UP!!!

So many of my other issues going into adulthood could have been eased and controlled better if someone had the sense to recognize the signs... AFSP says:

Something to look out for when concerned that a person may be suicidal is a change in behavior or the presence of entirely new behaviors. This is of sharpest concern if the new or changed behavior is related to a painful event, loss, or change. Most people who take their lives exhibit one or more warning signs, either through what they say or what they do.

More information about signs to watch for can be found at https://afsp.org/about-suicide/risk-factors-and-warning-signs/

Last but not least: