My Personal Pandemic Story: Part 2

Being an introvert made quarantine almost easy. The first two weeks almost felt like a normal spring break for me. The only part that was different was not being able to go out to eat or go to the movie theater. In fact, my son and I got to catch one of the very last movie shown before the movie theaters shut down. The theaters shut down March 18th. We saw the movie Onward on March 17th. Covid tricked us into thinking it was just a common cold or flu,  then viciously attacked when we least expected. As the weeks dragged on, and the need reports became more grim. I started to panic. What if I caught Covid just going to the grocery store and got really sick? Or worse what if I got my son sick? I became fearful of leaving the house to get just groceries. 3 weeks into being home, we had to distribute learning materials to the elementary school students, including chromebooks, because it was clear that we weren't coming back to the school building for the rest of the school year.  That's when the distance learning started, and the most difficult part of this pandemic started for me.  

My Personal Pandemic Story

I'm an instructional assistant in elementary school. This year I'm helping in a 5th grade classroom. The school year is almost over, shockingly. It feels like we just started, since we FINALLY came back in person on a Hybrid schedule March 15th. 

We're working on the very last writing assignment of the school year. 

Guess what the topic is...

A personal narrative about the last year dealing with Covid. 

So, I'm writing one myself, as an example for them. Cause, you know- 5th graders need examples of descriptive language such as onomotapoeia and other figurative language. 

Here's the beginning of mine:

March 13th, 2020 was a normal Friday,  or so we thought. All we knew was that a virus was getting people sick. Because of that, we were going to have an early Spring Break so the school custodians could thoroughly clean the school. At least that's what I understood. My brain was behaving like mush. We had NO idea what was coming. 

To be continued...

Reflecting

For some reason, I have found myself reflecting on my past recently. 

I keep wondering what would have happened if I hadn't met some of the people that made my life extremely difficult. 

Of course, it's not something I can change now,  so why the hell am I reflecting back on how bad my life was?

I just finished watching a newer movie on Disney+, that brought me back to the misery I experienced in high school, and the semi redemption I have received so far as an adult.  I totally identified with the main character that was bullied and ridiculed in high school for her looks.  Redemption happened when she meets up years later with the girl that was the worst bullly to her, and finally confronts her, and then they become friends. 

I actually had that happen to me. There was a girl in middle school, who was one year ahead of me. I was a 6th grader. One day in the locket room as we were getting ready for gym, or it was as I was leaving... can't remember that part... she approached me out of the blue and smacked me in the face! Let me make it clear, I had NEVER seen her before this day. I had zero clue who she was. But according to her, she was told I was "talking smack" about her so she decided to take matters into her own hands. I was so damn terrified the remainder of middle school. 

Years later we reconnected somehow. I totally remembered her, but of course she didn't remember anything about me. I actually told her about that day in middle school, and shockingly she remembered that day. In the end, we became friends, and have remained friends for over 10 years now. 

But that's not what I've been thinking about recently. 

I see friends happy with their relationships, my daughter finding the perfect boyfriend for herself, her best friends getting married, other friends of hers having a baby, my friends finding relationships after bad breakups and divorces... 

And me?

I'm afraid I'm going to be aline for the rest of my life. I don't go out. I keep wondering what would happen if I were to run into some guy from high school that I had a huge crush on, find out he's single or nearly single, and realizing that we should have been together years ago.  Ha. Just fantasy.  No way would that ever happen to me. 

Ugh. How could anyone love me right now, with all my bad habits, and more? Me, an almost 43 year old woman with 3 kids, a failed marriage and nothing exciting to talk about. 

I'm just feeling down right now. I hate single life, but I don't want to get my heart broken. 

I'm scared to put myself back out there at my age. I've been alone long enough I don't know if I even know what to do with a significant other.  😕  

Ok. Chalk it up to post Valentines Day blues and monthly period emotions.  

I'll probably never date again in my life, and that makes me feel worse every day. 

Also why the fuck does the word "again" sometimes convert to the word "absinthe" sometimes when I use the predictive swipe? smh 🤣🤣

One week in...

... and in my mind I've already started day drinking.

But only in my mind. 

Starting off the new year broke. My oldest may get evicted for not being able to pay rent. My only daughter is quarantined in another state. I still don't know if I'm staying where I am living...

If I was working from home I WOULD be day drinking. 

Guess that's what I've got going for me. I at least have a job. 

And meanwhile, outside of my little bubble the rest of the world is in raging chaos. 

One of my nearest dearest friends almost lost her life the other day, because she was choked and beaten up. Another friend is still dealing with a long drawn out court case that has been ongoing for over 5 years. Yet another is battling a second round of breast cancer, and a third type of breast cancer caused by implants she had after her first battle of cancer and subsequent double mastectomy. 

And even further outside my circle of friends, Covid is mutating and spreading faster, and the country I was born in now is facing another Civil War because the acting president is a sore loser. 

2020 was a dumpster 🔥,  and it now seems that 2021 is saying "hold my beer..."

I'm now gonna quote one of my favorite songs because it says exactly what I feel:

"Lie number one 

you're supposed to have it all together
And when they ask how you're doing
Just smile and tell them, "Never better"

Lie number 2 

everybody's life is perfect except yours
So keep your messes and your wounds
And your secrets safe with you behind closed doors

Truth be told
The truth is rarely told, now

I say I'm fine, 

yeah I'm fine 

oh I'm fine, 

hey I'm fine 

but I'm not
I'm broken
And when it's out of control 

I say it's under control 

but it's not
And you know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There's no failure, no fall
There's no sin you don't already know
So let the truth be told..."

The song is called "Truth Be Told" by Matthew West.

I am definitely not fine. I know I'm terribly broken. Nothing is under control right now. 

I WILL say the truth, no matter what.

 Let the truth be told.