I keep wondering what would have happened if I hadn't met some of the people that made my life extremely difficult.
Of course, it's not something I can change now, so why the hell am I reflecting back on how bad my life was?
I just finished watching a newer movie on Disney+, that brought me back to the misery I experienced in high school, and the semi redemption I have received so far as an adult. I totally identified with the main character that was bullied and ridiculed in high school for her looks. Redemption happened when she meets up years later with the girl that was the worst bullly to her, and finally confronts her, and then they become friends.
I actually had that happen to me. There was a girl in middle school, who was one year ahead of me. I was a 6th grader. One day in the locket room as we were getting ready for gym, or it was as I was leaving... can't remember that part... she approached me out of the blue and smacked me in the face! Let me make it clear, I had NEVER seen her before this day. I had zero clue who she was. But according to her, she was told I was "talking smack" about her so she decided to take matters into her own hands. I was so damn terrified the remainder of middle school.
Years later we reconnected somehow. I totally remembered her, but of course she didn't remember anything about me. I actually told her about that day in middle school, and shockingly she remembered that day. In the end, we became friends, and have remained friends for over 10 years now.
But that's not what I've been thinking about recently.
I see friends happy with their relationships, my daughter finding the perfect boyfriend for herself, her best friends getting married, other friends of hers having a baby, my friends finding relationships after bad breakups and divorces...
And me?
I'm afraid I'm going to be aline for the rest of my life. I don't go out. I keep wondering what would happen if I were to run into some guy from high school that I had a huge crush on, find out he's single or nearly single, and realizing that we should have been together years ago. Ha. Just fantasy. No way would that ever happen to me.
Ugh. How could anyone love me right now, with all my bad habits, and more? Me, an almost 43 year old woman with 3 kids, a failed marriage and nothing exciting to talk about.
I'm just feeling down right now. I hate single life, but I don't want to get my heart broken.
I'm scared to put myself back out there at my age. I've been alone long enough I don't know if I even know what to do with a significant other. ð
Ok. Chalk it up to post Valentines Day blues and monthly period emotions.
I'll probably never date again in my life, and that makes me feel worse every day.
Also why the fuck does the word "again" sometimes convert to the word "absinthe" sometimes when I use the predictive swipe? smh ðĪĢðĪĢ
