My Personal Pandemic Story

I'm an instructional assistant in elementary school. This year I'm helping in a 5th grade classroom. The school year is almost over, shockingly. It feels like we just started, since we FINALLY came back in person on a Hybrid schedule March 15th. 

We're working on the very last writing assignment of the school year. 

Guess what the topic is...

A personal narrative about the last year dealing with Covid. 

So, I'm writing one myself, as an example for them. Cause, you know- 5th graders need examples of descriptive language such as onomotapoeia and other figurative language. 

Here's the beginning of mine:

March 13th, 2020 was a normal Friday,  or so we thought. All we knew was that a virus was getting people sick. Because of that, we were going to have an early Spring Break so the school custodians could thoroughly clean the school. At least that's what I understood. My brain was behaving like mush. We had NO idea what was coming. 

To be continued...

Reflecting

For some reason, I have found myself reflecting on my past recently. 

I keep wondering what would have happened if I hadn't met some of the people that made my life extremely difficult. 

Of course, it's not something I can change now,  so why the hell am I reflecting back on how bad my life was?

I just finished watching a newer movie on Disney+, that brought me back to the misery I experienced in high school, and the semi redemption I have received so far as an adult.  I totally identified with the main character that was bullied and ridiculed in high school for her looks.  Redemption happened when she meets up years later with the girl that was the worst bullly to her, and finally confronts her, and then they become friends. 

I actually had that happen to me. There was a girl in middle school, who was one year ahead of me. I was a 6th grader. One day in the locket room as we were getting ready for gym, or it was as I was leaving... can't remember that part... she approached me out of the blue and smacked me in the face! Let me make it clear, I had NEVER seen her before this day. I had zero clue who she was. But according to her, she was told I was "talking smack" about her so she decided to take matters into her own hands. I was so damn terrified the remainder of middle school. 

Years later we reconnected somehow. I totally remembered her, but of course she didn't remember anything about me. I actually told her about that day in middle school, and shockingly she remembered that day. In the end, we became friends, and have remained friends for over 10 years now. 

But that's not what I've been thinking about recently. 

I see friends happy with their relationships, my daughter finding the perfect boyfriend for herself, her best friends getting married, other friends of hers having a baby, my friends finding relationships after bad breakups and divorces... 

And me?

I'm afraid I'm going to be aline for the rest of my life. I don't go out. I keep wondering what would happen if I were to run into some guy from high school that I had a huge crush on, find out he's single or nearly single, and realizing that we should have been together years ago.  Ha. Just fantasy.  No way would that ever happen to me. 

Ugh. How could anyone love me right now, with all my bad habits, and more? Me, an almost 43 year old woman with 3 kids, a failed marriage and nothing exciting to talk about. 

I'm just feeling down right now. I hate single life, but I don't want to get my heart broken. 

I'm scared to put myself back out there at my age. I've been alone long enough I don't know if I even know what to do with a significant other.  😕  

Ok. Chalk it up to post Valentines Day blues and monthly period emotions.  

I'll probably never date again in my life, and that makes me feel worse every day. 

Also why the fuck does the word "again" sometimes convert to the word "absinthe" sometimes when I use the predictive swipe? smh 🤣🤣

One week in...

... and in my mind I've already started day drinking.

But only in my mind. 

Starting off the new year broke. My oldest may get evicted for not being able to pay rent. My only daughter is quarantined in another state. I still don't know if I'm staying where I am living...

If I was working from home I WOULD be day drinking. 

Guess that's what I've got going for me. I at least have a job. 

And meanwhile, outside of my little bubble the rest of the world is in raging chaos. 

One of my nearest dearest friends almost lost her life the other day, because she was choked and beaten up. Another friend is still dealing with a long drawn out court case that has been ongoing for over 5 years. Yet another is battling a second round of breast cancer, and a third type of breast cancer caused by implants she had after her first battle of cancer and subsequent double mastectomy. 

And even further outside my circle of friends, Covid is mutating and spreading faster, and the country I was born in now is facing another Civil War because the acting president is a sore loser. 

2020 was a dumpster 🔥,  and it now seems that 2021 is saying "hold my beer..."

I'm now gonna quote one of my favorite songs because it says exactly what I feel:

"Lie number one 

you're supposed to have it all together
And when they ask how you're doing
Just smile and tell them, "Never better"

Lie number 2 

everybody's life is perfect except yours
So keep your messes and your wounds
And your secrets safe with you behind closed doors

Truth be told
The truth is rarely told, now

I say I'm fine, 

yeah I'm fine 

oh I'm fine, 

hey I'm fine 

but I'm not
I'm broken
And when it's out of control 

I say it's under control 

but it's not
And you know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There's no failure, no fall
There's no sin you don't already know
So let the truth be told..."

The song is called "Truth Be Told" by Matthew West.

I am definitely not fine. I know I'm terribly broken. Nothing is under control right now. 

I WILL say the truth, no matter what.

 Let the truth be told.

2020 What?

Seems like every so often I "remember" that I have a blog... or two or three. 😉

Then I start updating and promising that I'm going to do better... yadda, yadda, yada...

Can you relate?

I'm just so bad at keeping up with ANYTHING. 

But I do have good news to share.

My depression is slowly going away!

I'm going to the gym intermittently, but man it feels good when I do. I'm also taking better care of myself. I've been using CBD drops for 8 months now, and taking some amazing supplements for 4 days now... and  🎶 "at last see the light..." 🎶

Ok, jokes aside, I can finally see what I've been missing, in these 4 short days! I feel a WORLD of difference,  and I'm still in shock!

I need more time, but I'm updating in my health and wellness blog, and also trying to start a YouTube vlog. I'll post links when I ha e time to get to my desktop, lol. 

In the meantime, I'm forging ahead, one step at a time. 

This is what Depression and Anxiety look like...

Its ugly. 

Its gross.

Its REAL.

Its typing up a long post and then deleting all of it because you just can't face the truth. 

Its insomnia at 1am. Or 4am. Or even 2am.

Its multiple days of barely any sleep then multiple days of oversleeping.

It's coming home from a 8 hr day of work and plopping down in the couch and doing nothing. 

Its playing computer games to ignore the chores that need to be done. 

It's not taking care of yourself properly or your home properly.

Its cleaning your nails out after scratching your head to get the build up of dirt and gunk temporarily off your head for those fleeting moments...

It's not having the energy to even get up off the couch, or wherever you're sitting, to go wash your hair, let alone have the energy to have a full body shower for weeks, if not months...

It's not making that important phone call because you are ashamed to tell anyone about your situation.

Its forgetting to fill out important paperwork. 

Its forgetting to take the trash can out to the curb every other week.

Its thinking you saved the draft of the post, and then finding out you actually closed it out without saving it. 

Its exhausting. 

Its debilitating sometimes.

This is what depression and anxiety look like for me.

This is just a small picture of my ongoing battle. 

I'll be ok. Eventually. I'm in the bottom of the valley right now. I'll be heading uphill soon. I hope. I don't think I can go any lower.

Take me back!!!!

I have to admit that I'm scared right now.

Scared for my friends.

Scared for my family.

Scared for this country I live in and call home.

Why?

Just look at what you see in the daily news about the president.

I don't need to explain any further.

If this continues, I fear for my own children's well being. If you knew me at all you would understand.

I just pray that the upcoming election year, people will vote in force, and vote in favor of healing this country. Vote in favor of bringing back life, liberty, and the pursuit of love... love thy neighbor, love thy enemy...

NO MORE HATRED!

NO MORE LIES!

"Take me back, to the place that feels like home, to the people I can depend on, to the faith that's in my bones..."  Songwriters: Bryan Fowler / Michael Cochrane / Micah Kuiper

Church (Take Me Back) lyrics © So Essential Tunes

How DO you cope with it all?

This year has been an emotional roller coaster.

A doozy of a roller coaster too.

We've seen oppression, hatred, utter violence, stupidity in the highest degree... and much much more...

So how DO you cope with it?

I'm barely hanging on.

I have my own personal battles to fight, most of them are loosing battles.

Positives for 2017:  I started a new business. I have 3 amazing children. I'm able to afford, barely, to keep us fed, clothed, and sheltered. I got to travel a few places that I've never been to before.

Negatives for 2017: I'm tired all the time. I'm severely depressed. I lost my dad unexpectedly halfway through the year. I fight with my kids all the time (I mean, what parent doesn't?). My anxiety is gonna cost me my full time job someday, and I don't know how to fix it. I'm still single, and will probably be for the rest of my life because of all my problems. :(

I can't even get into the worst of it...

HOW do you cope?