This year has been an emotional roller coaster.
A doozy of a roller coaster too.
We've seen oppression, hatred, utter violence, stupidity in the highest degree... and much much more...
So how DO you cope with it?
I'm barely hanging on.
I have my own personal battles to fight, most of them are loosing battles.
Positives for 2017: I started a new business. I have 3 amazing children. I'm able to afford, barely, to keep us fed, clothed, and sheltered. I got to travel a few places that I've never been to before.
Negatives for 2017: I'm tired all the time. I'm severely depressed. I lost my dad unexpectedly halfway through the year. I fight with my kids all the time (I mean, what parent doesn't?). My anxiety is gonna cost me my full time job someday, and I don't know how to fix it. I'm still single, and will probably be for the rest of my life because of all my problems. :(
I can't even get into the worst of it...
HOW do you cope?
Sunday, December 3, 2017
Saturday, January 28, 2017
2016 is over, but 2017 isn't any better so far...
Just when I thought that I could pick myself up off the ground and start to improve my life, I get knocked down even further.
It's every step I take, I am pushed back 5 at this point.
How is it possible for anyone to get better emotionally, physically, and mentally that way?
The ending to 2016 was stressful. I hate the fact that the school district I work for decides that they are going to be "helpful" and give us our January paychecks on December 16th instead of the last day of the month like they do the rest of the year. That makes it difficult to pay my bills on time because I have to make that money stretch about 7 weeks instead of 4. And of course, since September I haven't been working the extra hours I had the last 3 years, so I'm out the extra $150-200 a month on my paycheck. To top it off, my insurance went up, so with that and taxes, I'm getting over $400 taken out of my check every month. That makes my take home pay only $100 more than I pay in rent. That's not much at all. So, I ended the year overdrawn, and didn't have any more money deposited until the middle of January (and my dad, bless his soul, still helps me out, and I really need to muster up the confidence to call him to thank him), but it all was gone immediately between the amount I was overdrawn and the remaining bills I had to pay. And here we are at the end of January, and I'm overdrawn, again, for the 5th month in a row...
Bring on the mental breakdown!
I'm dead serious. Put yourself in the same position that I am in and you would have a mental breakdown too!
I finally lost it this week. Thursday was the day the world felt like it crashed down on me. But let me back track a little again to explain some more of the push towards my mental breakdown.
I finally got in to see a dermatologist to have my hundreds of moles looked at, but more specifically a few ones in particular that had been either bleeding or looked very suspicious to me. January 5th I had my first appointment with the dermatologist. He looked at the few that I had suspicions about and was very thorough. That made me much more comfortable than the last derm I saw back in 2012. That guy just took a glance at a few moles, and said "oh they look fine" and that was that. This new derm had a magnifier that he used to look at a couple of my larger moles. He decided that it would be a good idea to remove one of my largest moles to have it tested, just to be on the safe side. He was confident that it would come back benign. So that day, he removed the mole on my left collar bone; one that I had since birth, and that had grown to be at least almost two centimeters tall, and was about a centimeter in circumference.
For the next 24 hours after that I was hyperventilating, not wanting to remove the bandage at all, and not wanting to look at the "hole" left on my collar bone from this mole that had been a play thing for all three of my kids when they were babies. It took two weeks for the results to come back, and I was on pins and needles until the office called me to tell me the results came back benign, just like the derm thought they would. That day, I sort of waltzed into work on a cloud, but that quickly dissipated when I thought about the next appointment I was going to have where he would check ALL my remaining moles on my body.
Three weeks after my first appointment, on January 19th, I had my second appointment. This one was longer, since he had a lot to look over. I pointed out a few more spots that I had that concerned me, but not as much as the first bunch. He decided to remove 4 more that day.
FOUR. 4.
#1 was on my right arm. It was a small one, but was darker than the rest of them, and something about it made him pause... so he said "Let's remove that one to get it tested, although I'm fairly sure that it will come back benign like the first one did. Better be safe than sorry." He used a punch method to remove this one because of the size.
#2 was on my scalp, on the right side. This one has been around for who knows how many years. Many a hair dresser has caught it in their combs, and then promptly squealed, "Oh I'm so sorry!! I didn't mean to hurt you!" to which I replied, "That's quite ok, I'm used to it by now." And yes, I might have been used to it, but there were too many times when I was combing my own hair, and the comb punctured the mole. :( Sometime it hurt too. I just can't explain what it felt like, but it was, to put it lightly- annoying. I think because of my descriptions of the numerous times it has been caught in my comb or the hairdresser's comb, and how it just didn't feel right sometimes, he made the decision to remove it as well. For this one he used the scrape method, which basically he just took a razor and cut it off and then scrapped off the remaining pieces to hopefully prevent it from growing back. He did the same with the one on my collar bone at the first visit.
#3 was on my right foot, between my big toe and my second toe. It was a new mole, and had grown shockingly large for the small space it was in. By new, I mean, I became aware that it was there approximately sometime during this 8mo to a year. I KNOW it wasn't there before. I mean, I'm a little ocd about my toenails, and like to clean them every day, so I think I would know what my foot is supposed to look like. Just the fact that it was so new made him suspicious of it too, so it was also removed. He also used the punch method on this one. He wanted to make sure he got the entire thing out.
#4, the last one, was on my left thigh. It was another larger mole, and I was suspicious of it because of how many times I've had scabs come off of it, and I didn't think it looked good. This was was also the scrape method. I probably should look up the correct term, but I'm just too lazy to do that extra work. Scrape works because that's what he was doing. As he was looking over the rest of my legs, he kept coming back to that one and looking at it closer with his magnifier. His words: "There's something about this one that I don't like. It's got good symmetry, but the color is a little off. It's darker than the other's with the similar qualities. There's just something about this one I don't like."
Cue heart palpitations.
A few minutes after marking the spots he was going to remove, he left, so the nurse could start numbing me up. I'm definitely NOT good with needles. They make my blood pressure rise. :( So I had to take deep breathes and try and steady my breathing while she repeatedly stabbed me with a couple needles full of numbing medicine. I really wanted to lay down, but I really couldn't because of the one on my head. In all I think it took just a couple minutes for her to finish numbing me. Then a couple minutes (felt like hours though) waiting alone until the derm came back into the room to start. About 10 minutes later, he was finished removing all 4 and I was bandaged up and ready to leave. I had sweated so badly that the stupid paper liner of the bed/seat/(whatever you call it that you have to sit on at the drs office) stuck to my butt and legs. Argh. Took me a little longer to get my clothes back on and my shoe back on. My foot felt strange, as did the rest of my body due to how much numbing medicine I had injected into it. I walked slowly to my car, and sat in there with my eyes closed for about 10 minutes until I started to feel slightly more normal.
I had to go back to work. I didn't want to because I wasn't feeling too good after the procedures, but I didn't have a choice. Ok, not true. I could have called in and said that I had moles removed and I didn't feel too good and needed to go home and rest. However, I didn't feel right in calling in for that. I actually HATE missing any time at work, that's how much I love my job.
So that was on a Thursday. By Saturday, 3 out of 4 of the spots were looking pretty good, and I was actually able to wash my hair and not cause the spot on my head to bleed. The one on my thigh though was not doing so well. It was starting to hurt. I knew it would hurt a bit, and be slightly bruised because of the injections, but this was starting to cause streaks of pain in my leg. My foot hurt, and was showing a nice bruise, but only because of the location and the fact that I couldn't really walk around barefoot so it could get air.
By Sunday, I was limping a lot, and my thigh was throbbing. When I changed my bandaid, the bandaid was almost stuck to my leg. :( The spot was starting to get red around the edge and was not drying up like the others were. I called and left a message with the dermatologist's office on Sunday. Then I called again Monday morning the minute I got to work. The answering service told me that the nurses didn't get in until 8am, but they would leave a message and have them call me back. I waited almost 3 hours and still hadn't heard back from them, so I called again. It was 10:30 am by that time. I finally got to talk to a nurse, and I told her exactly what was going on. After I explained myself, she took a moment then asked if I could come in at 11am. I said, "I'll be there!"
I left work, and went straight to the dermatologist's office, waited 30 minutes for them to actually call me back, then waited a few more minutes for the nurse to come in to see me. All she had to do was look at it and then say she'd give me a prescription for an antibiotic cream to try first, and if after 4 days it wasn't getting better to call back and she'd send to the pharmacy an oral antibiotic.
So, now 6 days after I started using the cream, it looks a lot better, but it's slowly healing. The other three spots are almost completely healed. Well, at least the scabs fell off of two of the spots. My foot hasn't scabbed over yet, but that's partly due to the fact that I can't leave it open to the air while wearing shoes.
Back to Thursday the 26th.
The day I completely lost my mind.
Stress of my worries over my health, combined with the stress of the financial situation, and, dare I say it, THE DAMN PRESIDENCY... and cue one smart alec 16yo daughter = meltdown of the year.
And, dammit, it was only 26 days into the new year.
I was ashamed that she had friends staying over and we didn't have a clean house, or even a full kitchen of food to feed anyone. And I did't have any money in my checking account, savings, or even on my credit card, and only $18 left in food stamps. I'm usually ok on food but this month was a 5 week long month, so I had more month left than my food stamps and money in the bank. Well, we had two packages of pasta, lots of beans, half a package of hot dogs, 1/4 container of butter, and juice that we could work with. Not much at all. But of course, 16yo daughter is picky. Ugh. I told her that I couldn't get more things, especially the things she *wanted* because of how little was left. Then I had to wash some dishes that weren't washed, so she and her friends could eat. There's still dishes that she used that haven't been washed, and I asked her to wash them 4 days ago. I reminded her to wash them before they use anything else. Then I cooked one package of pasta. I told her that I didn't know if it was enough for the three of them, and if she wanted more, she would have to eat it as it was cooked, and not how I usually finish it, because I wasn't feeling too well and didn't want to wash the one pan again just to cook more after they were finished. So of course she had to smart mouth me and say "Fine then, we'll just starve." That did it. I shut off the stove, with the pasta almost finished, and stomped to my room, while muttering to her something that I don't even remember... I was just pissed beyond reason at that point, tired, hungry, sore on my leg and foot, and utterly stressed about the money and food situation. I basically threw a temper tantrum and slammed the door shut and started to bawl on my bed, while I heard her continue to mutter her mouthy words that didn't even register other than "blah blah blah blaaaaahhhh"
Before you condemn me for even allowing her friends to stay over when I knew we didn't have much food in the house, let me tell you that the two friends that were here are her closest friends, and are pretty much here daily no matter what. One of them lives out in the boonies, and waits at our house for her mom to get off work so she can go home with her mom and not be home alone until mom gets home. The other doesn't have a good home situation. Her home situation is worse in that her parents tend to drink a lot. I'm sure there are other things going on that she won't tell me but that's ok. I firmly believe in being a safe place for my daughter's friends to hang out at. They've seen me have other breakdowns, but I think this one was the cream of the crop. :( Despite my instability in keeping sane, I do have a heart, and I'm extremely empathetic for other people. These two girls have been calling me mom for the last 3 years, and I'm glad that they feel comfortable enough with me to show that affection.
With that being said, I stayed in my room for a few hours, crying and feeling sorry for myself... I even posted on Facebook, "Kids for sale. I only ask that you don't fail them like I have."
I'm still feeling wiped out from my meltdown. It's been two days now.
I have so much on my mind, I don't know how to organize it all.
Blogging is one of my stress relief mechanisms. Music is another.
I feel if I don't try and write some of my thoughts down, I'll drown even more.
Even though 2017 started off so fucked up, I'm determined to turn it around and make something of it. At least for myself.
I can't focus on the rest of the country's problems. Otherwise they'll kill me. My empathy is causing me to loose sleep or sleep too much, and that's affecting so much of my life as well.
Don't get me wrong, I'm genuinely scared for the future of this country because there is someone in charge who is visibly more mentally unstable than I am. At this point, I don't even care if I loose friendships over my feelings of this new government, despite the fact I DON'T want to loose any of my friends.
But that's beyond my immediate control.
I have to control myself first before I can do anything.
I'm probably going to read a previous blog post and see that I said the same thing years ago about "this is going to be the year of redemption" or some other similar shit. I've already seen too much of a recurring "theme" in my blog posts since 2006.
I'm just going to continue to have meltdowns and feel shitty about myself unless I sit down and see my dr and ask to be put back on anti depressants.
This time I am going to ask my friends to help me stay accountable and on top of taking my medication to keep myself from getting to the point of no return. And yes, I HAVE thought about suicide, but NO, I have NEVER gotten to the point of actually trying, and I DON'T WANT TO GET THERE! EVER! NEVER! I have watched from far away and close up how that affects the ones you love. I refuse to do that to my friends and family. I am just a message, a phone call, a knock on the door away for my friends that have attempted, and they know I will be there for them to help them get to safety. Now I am asking my friends to do the same for me.
Asking for the help, and talking about what's going on in my mind is an extremely difficult thing to do. I'm usually the type to say, "oh, I'm just tired, what's new, ha ha," and leave it at that when I'm asked how I'm doing. I put on a happy mask when I'm at work because I have to be that way around the kids I work with.
But I'm bone weary of putting on that happy mask. I'm exhausted. I don't want to hide my feelings anymore, but I don't want to have people throw me pity parties either.
I'm writing all of this down so that maybe someone else who is feeling as tired as I am will realize that it's ok to let go and talk about it. It's ok to loose it and go get help. It's the ONLY way to get healthy. Don't do it for anyone else but yourself.
My posts are few and far between because I don't take the time to actually write down my thoughts, and when I do write them down, my posts are extremely long (so forgive any typos I missed. I'm too tired to go back over everything and check for errors like I usually do). I could blog via my mobile device, but it takes way too long to type everything on that tiny screen. I hope to be able to do short updates this year though. We shall see.
It's every step I take, I am pushed back 5 at this point.
How is it possible for anyone to get better emotionally, physically, and mentally that way?
The ending to 2016 was stressful. I hate the fact that the school district I work for decides that they are going to be "helpful" and give us our January paychecks on December 16th instead of the last day of the month like they do the rest of the year. That makes it difficult to pay my bills on time because I have to make that money stretch about 7 weeks instead of 4. And of course, since September I haven't been working the extra hours I had the last 3 years, so I'm out the extra $150-200 a month on my paycheck. To top it off, my insurance went up, so with that and taxes, I'm getting over $400 taken out of my check every month. That makes my take home pay only $100 more than I pay in rent. That's not much at all. So, I ended the year overdrawn, and didn't have any more money deposited until the middle of January (and my dad, bless his soul, still helps me out, and I really need to muster up the confidence to call him to thank him), but it all was gone immediately between the amount I was overdrawn and the remaining bills I had to pay. And here we are at the end of January, and I'm overdrawn, again, for the 5th month in a row...
Bring on the mental breakdown!
I'm dead serious. Put yourself in the same position that I am in and you would have a mental breakdown too!
I finally lost it this week. Thursday was the day the world felt like it crashed down on me. But let me back track a little again to explain some more of the push towards my mental breakdown.
I finally got in to see a dermatologist to have my hundreds of moles looked at, but more specifically a few ones in particular that had been either bleeding or looked very suspicious to me. January 5th I had my first appointment with the dermatologist. He looked at the few that I had suspicions about and was very thorough. That made me much more comfortable than the last derm I saw back in 2012. That guy just took a glance at a few moles, and said "oh they look fine" and that was that. This new derm had a magnifier that he used to look at a couple of my larger moles. He decided that it would be a good idea to remove one of my largest moles to have it tested, just to be on the safe side. He was confident that it would come back benign. So that day, he removed the mole on my left collar bone; one that I had since birth, and that had grown to be at least almost two centimeters tall, and was about a centimeter in circumference.
For the next 24 hours after that I was hyperventilating, not wanting to remove the bandage at all, and not wanting to look at the "hole" left on my collar bone from this mole that had been a play thing for all three of my kids when they were babies. It took two weeks for the results to come back, and I was on pins and needles until the office called me to tell me the results came back benign, just like the derm thought they would. That day, I sort of waltzed into work on a cloud, but that quickly dissipated when I thought about the next appointment I was going to have where he would check ALL my remaining moles on my body.
Three weeks after my first appointment, on January 19th, I had my second appointment. This one was longer, since he had a lot to look over. I pointed out a few more spots that I had that concerned me, but not as much as the first bunch. He decided to remove 4 more that day.
FOUR. 4.
#1 was on my right arm. It was a small one, but was darker than the rest of them, and something about it made him pause... so he said "Let's remove that one to get it tested, although I'm fairly sure that it will come back benign like the first one did. Better be safe than sorry." He used a punch method to remove this one because of the size.
#2 was on my scalp, on the right side. This one has been around for who knows how many years. Many a hair dresser has caught it in their combs, and then promptly squealed, "Oh I'm so sorry!! I didn't mean to hurt you!" to which I replied, "That's quite ok, I'm used to it by now." And yes, I might have been used to it, but there were too many times when I was combing my own hair, and the comb punctured the mole. :( Sometime it hurt too. I just can't explain what it felt like, but it was, to put it lightly- annoying. I think because of my descriptions of the numerous times it has been caught in my comb or the hairdresser's comb, and how it just didn't feel right sometimes, he made the decision to remove it as well. For this one he used the scrape method, which basically he just took a razor and cut it off and then scrapped off the remaining pieces to hopefully prevent it from growing back. He did the same with the one on my collar bone at the first visit.
#3 was on my right foot, between my big toe and my second toe. It was a new mole, and had grown shockingly large for the small space it was in. By new, I mean, I became aware that it was there approximately sometime during this 8mo to a year. I KNOW it wasn't there before. I mean, I'm a little ocd about my toenails, and like to clean them every day, so I think I would know what my foot is supposed to look like. Just the fact that it was so new made him suspicious of it too, so it was also removed. He also used the punch method on this one. He wanted to make sure he got the entire thing out.
#4, the last one, was on my left thigh. It was another larger mole, and I was suspicious of it because of how many times I've had scabs come off of it, and I didn't think it looked good. This was was also the scrape method. I probably should look up the correct term, but I'm just too lazy to do that extra work. Scrape works because that's what he was doing. As he was looking over the rest of my legs, he kept coming back to that one and looking at it closer with his magnifier. His words: "There's something about this one that I don't like. It's got good symmetry, but the color is a little off. It's darker than the other's with the similar qualities. There's just something about this one I don't like."
Cue heart palpitations.
A few minutes after marking the spots he was going to remove, he left, so the nurse could start numbing me up. I'm definitely NOT good with needles. They make my blood pressure rise. :( So I had to take deep breathes and try and steady my breathing while she repeatedly stabbed me with a couple needles full of numbing medicine. I really wanted to lay down, but I really couldn't because of the one on my head. In all I think it took just a couple minutes for her to finish numbing me. Then a couple minutes (felt like hours though) waiting alone until the derm came back into the room to start. About 10 minutes later, he was finished removing all 4 and I was bandaged up and ready to leave. I had sweated so badly that the stupid paper liner of the bed/seat/(whatever you call it that you have to sit on at the drs office) stuck to my butt and legs. Argh. Took me a little longer to get my clothes back on and my shoe back on. My foot felt strange, as did the rest of my body due to how much numbing medicine I had injected into it. I walked slowly to my car, and sat in there with my eyes closed for about 10 minutes until I started to feel slightly more normal.
I had to go back to work. I didn't want to because I wasn't feeling too good after the procedures, but I didn't have a choice. Ok, not true. I could have called in and said that I had moles removed and I didn't feel too good and needed to go home and rest. However, I didn't feel right in calling in for that. I actually HATE missing any time at work, that's how much I love my job.
So that was on a Thursday. By Saturday, 3 out of 4 of the spots were looking pretty good, and I was actually able to wash my hair and not cause the spot on my head to bleed. The one on my thigh though was not doing so well. It was starting to hurt. I knew it would hurt a bit, and be slightly bruised because of the injections, but this was starting to cause streaks of pain in my leg. My foot hurt, and was showing a nice bruise, but only because of the location and the fact that I couldn't really walk around barefoot so it could get air.
By Sunday, I was limping a lot, and my thigh was throbbing. When I changed my bandaid, the bandaid was almost stuck to my leg. :( The spot was starting to get red around the edge and was not drying up like the others were. I called and left a message with the dermatologist's office on Sunday. Then I called again Monday morning the minute I got to work. The answering service told me that the nurses didn't get in until 8am, but they would leave a message and have them call me back. I waited almost 3 hours and still hadn't heard back from them, so I called again. It was 10:30 am by that time. I finally got to talk to a nurse, and I told her exactly what was going on. After I explained myself, she took a moment then asked if I could come in at 11am. I said, "I'll be there!"
I left work, and went straight to the dermatologist's office, waited 30 minutes for them to actually call me back, then waited a few more minutes for the nurse to come in to see me. All she had to do was look at it and then say she'd give me a prescription for an antibiotic cream to try first, and if after 4 days it wasn't getting better to call back and she'd send to the pharmacy an oral antibiotic.
So, now 6 days after I started using the cream, it looks a lot better, but it's slowly healing. The other three spots are almost completely healed. Well, at least the scabs fell off of two of the spots. My foot hasn't scabbed over yet, but that's partly due to the fact that I can't leave it open to the air while wearing shoes.
Back to Thursday the 26th.
The day I completely lost my mind.
Stress of my worries over my health, combined with the stress of the financial situation, and, dare I say it, THE DAMN PRESIDENCY... and cue one smart alec 16yo daughter = meltdown of the year.
And, dammit, it was only 26 days into the new year.
I was ashamed that she had friends staying over and we didn't have a clean house, or even a full kitchen of food to feed anyone. And I did't have any money in my checking account, savings, or even on my credit card, and only $18 left in food stamps. I'm usually ok on food but this month was a 5 week long month, so I had more month left than my food stamps and money in the bank. Well, we had two packages of pasta, lots of beans, half a package of hot dogs, 1/4 container of butter, and juice that we could work with. Not much at all. But of course, 16yo daughter is picky. Ugh. I told her that I couldn't get more things, especially the things she *wanted* because of how little was left. Then I had to wash some dishes that weren't washed, so she and her friends could eat. There's still dishes that she used that haven't been washed, and I asked her to wash them 4 days ago. I reminded her to wash them before they use anything else. Then I cooked one package of pasta. I told her that I didn't know if it was enough for the three of them, and if she wanted more, she would have to eat it as it was cooked, and not how I usually finish it, because I wasn't feeling too well and didn't want to wash the one pan again just to cook more after they were finished. So of course she had to smart mouth me and say "Fine then, we'll just starve." That did it. I shut off the stove, with the pasta almost finished, and stomped to my room, while muttering to her something that I don't even remember... I was just pissed beyond reason at that point, tired, hungry, sore on my leg and foot, and utterly stressed about the money and food situation. I basically threw a temper tantrum and slammed the door shut and started to bawl on my bed, while I heard her continue to mutter her mouthy words that didn't even register other than "blah blah blah blaaaaahhhh"
Before you condemn me for even allowing her friends to stay over when I knew we didn't have much food in the house, let me tell you that the two friends that were here are her closest friends, and are pretty much here daily no matter what. One of them lives out in the boonies, and waits at our house for her mom to get off work so she can go home with her mom and not be home alone until mom gets home. The other doesn't have a good home situation. Her home situation is worse in that her parents tend to drink a lot. I'm sure there are other things going on that she won't tell me but that's ok. I firmly believe in being a safe place for my daughter's friends to hang out at. They've seen me have other breakdowns, but I think this one was the cream of the crop. :( Despite my instability in keeping sane, I do have a heart, and I'm extremely empathetic for other people. These two girls have been calling me mom for the last 3 years, and I'm glad that they feel comfortable enough with me to show that affection.
With that being said, I stayed in my room for a few hours, crying and feeling sorry for myself... I even posted on Facebook, "Kids for sale. I only ask that you don't fail them like I have."
I'm still feeling wiped out from my meltdown. It's been two days now.
I have so much on my mind, I don't know how to organize it all.
Blogging is one of my stress relief mechanisms. Music is another.
I feel if I don't try and write some of my thoughts down, I'll drown even more.
Even though 2017 started off so fucked up, I'm determined to turn it around and make something of it. At least for myself.
I can't focus on the rest of the country's problems. Otherwise they'll kill me. My empathy is causing me to loose sleep or sleep too much, and that's affecting so much of my life as well.
Don't get me wrong, I'm genuinely scared for the future of this country because there is someone in charge who is visibly more mentally unstable than I am. At this point, I don't even care if I loose friendships over my feelings of this new government, despite the fact I DON'T want to loose any of my friends.
But that's beyond my immediate control.
I have to control myself first before I can do anything.
I'm probably going to read a previous blog post and see that I said the same thing years ago about "this is going to be the year of redemption" or some other similar shit. I've already seen too much of a recurring "theme" in my blog posts since 2006.
I'm just going to continue to have meltdowns and feel shitty about myself unless I sit down and see my dr and ask to be put back on anti depressants.
This time I am going to ask my friends to help me stay accountable and on top of taking my medication to keep myself from getting to the point of no return. And yes, I HAVE thought about suicide, but NO, I have NEVER gotten to the point of actually trying, and I DON'T WANT TO GET THERE! EVER! NEVER! I have watched from far away and close up how that affects the ones you love. I refuse to do that to my friends and family. I am just a message, a phone call, a knock on the door away for my friends that have attempted, and they know I will be there for them to help them get to safety. Now I am asking my friends to do the same for me.
Asking for the help, and talking about what's going on in my mind is an extremely difficult thing to do. I'm usually the type to say, "oh, I'm just tired, what's new, ha ha," and leave it at that when I'm asked how I'm doing. I put on a happy mask when I'm at work because I have to be that way around the kids I work with.
But I'm bone weary of putting on that happy mask. I'm exhausted. I don't want to hide my feelings anymore, but I don't want to have people throw me pity parties either.
I'm writing all of this down so that maybe someone else who is feeling as tired as I am will realize that it's ok to let go and talk about it. It's ok to loose it and go get help. It's the ONLY way to get healthy. Don't do it for anyone else but yourself.
My posts are few and far between because I don't take the time to actually write down my thoughts, and when I do write them down, my posts are extremely long (so forgive any typos I missed. I'm too tired to go back over everything and check for errors like I usually do). I could blog via my mobile device, but it takes way too long to type everything on that tiny screen. I hope to be able to do short updates this year though. We shall see.
Monday, September 5, 2016
Digging into my dark past
The last few days I've been doing some long overdue house cleaning.
I found a binder behind the couch filled with poems and songs I had written during high school.
All I have to say is...
WOW.
I was in a dark place during high school. No wonder why I don't have many memories from that time period of my life. I had no idea how dark that was either, but re-reading these poems/songs made me feel the need to share them.
I'm sharing them to give people a glimpse into the mind of someone who was reserved. Someone you wouldn't have though now could have ever been anything other than who she is now.
Believe me, I was once into dark stuff. My only high school memories were that of doing music and drama, and the music I listened to. Oh yea. I listened to Pantera, Metallica, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Godsmack... There were more, but I can't remember them all. I actually still listen to them every once in a while, but not as I used to. Heck, my daughter is really into the same music I was in high school... and actually that somewhat scares me. However, she's not the reserved person that I was. She actually goes places with her friends. She actually is socially active, and knows people and talks to everyone. I was NOT that way at all. I actually ran away from home twice when I was in high school. So, yea, I don't remember much else from high school other than I was there.
So here are two poems I wrote back in high school. The first one will strike a chord with the majority of the girls today. So many people seem to feel they have to fit into society a certain way, and when they don't, the only solution, to them, is to commit suicide. I think I wrote this when I was starting to have some suicidal thoughts. This probably was written sometime around the first time I ran away.
This second poem has a small notation with it. It says "Inspired by the NBC movie 'A friend to die for.'" I actually had to look that up to see if I could find out information about that movie, because I don't remember anything about it. The movie, as it turns out, is based on a true story.
I found a binder behind the couch filled with poems and songs I had written during high school.
All I have to say is...
WOW.
I was in a dark place during high school. No wonder why I don't have many memories from that time period of my life. I had no idea how dark that was either, but re-reading these poems/songs made me feel the need to share them.
I'm sharing them to give people a glimpse into the mind of someone who was reserved. Someone you wouldn't have though now could have ever been anything other than who she is now.
Believe me, I was once into dark stuff. My only high school memories were that of doing music and drama, and the music I listened to. Oh yea. I listened to Pantera, Metallica, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Godsmack... There were more, but I can't remember them all. I actually still listen to them every once in a while, but not as I used to. Heck, my daughter is really into the same music I was in high school... and actually that somewhat scares me. However, she's not the reserved person that I was. She actually goes places with her friends. She actually is socially active, and knows people and talks to everyone. I was NOT that way at all. I actually ran away from home twice when I was in high school. So, yea, I don't remember much else from high school other than I was there.
So here are two poems I wrote back in high school. The first one will strike a chord with the majority of the girls today. So many people seem to feel they have to fit into society a certain way, and when they don't, the only solution, to them, is to commit suicide. I think I wrote this when I was starting to have some suicidal thoughts. This probably was written sometime around the first time I ran away.
Poem 1:
I don't understand
Why life ain't so grand
I don't wanna be insane
But I'm standing in the rain
Why do we have to be
Everything that we see
I look in the mirror
I just wanna kill her
I'm going insane
I can feel the strain
God fails
Satan prevails
I know the devil
He owns the underworld
The seasons pass me by
I'm gonna say goodbye
I don't care what you say
You can't make me stay
I am Insanity
You'll never get away from me
God fails
Satan prevails
I know the devil
He owns the underworld
That's where I will go
You can't tell me no
The mirror cracks
Face the facts
God failed
Satan prevailed.
This second poem has a small notation with it. It says "Inspired by the NBC movie 'A friend to die for.'" I actually had to look that up to see if I could find out information about that movie, because I don't remember anything about it. The movie, as it turns out, is based on a true story.
Poem 2
The moon goes down
The sun goes up
I can't forget last night
But it's too late, I'm stuck
I wanted to be like her
I hate myself
Last night went by in a blur
My head belongs on a shelf
It is I who should die
I'm starting to cry
It is I who should die
It's time for me to fly
The look in her eyes
Her attitude toward life
She got all the guys
I found my knife
Beat by beat
Stab by stab
She ended up in the street
It is not I who is crazy
It is I who is mad
It is I who should die
I can not NOT cry
It is I who should die
It is time for me to fly
Again, the pressures of teenagers. And sadly, if these issues are not talked about and the person does not receive help, they carry on into adult life... and that's when you have all these current news stories about women who flipped out over a small thing and murdered their child, or a dad that got depressed and murdered his entire family before committing suicide himself...
Why am I doing this? Why am I talking about pressures of teenagers and suicide and dark thoughts and 90's movies?
My ultimate motive here is this: This week is National Suicide Prevention Week.
You heard me right.
National Suicide Prevention Week,
Here are some statistics from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (click on the website link for more statistics.)
- Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.
- On average, there are 117 suicides per day.
- For every suicide, 25 attempt
- Women attempt suicide 3x's more often than men, but men die by suicide 3.5x's more often than women
- Suicide rates have gone up over all in the US between 2005 and 2014 (most recent data available)
- As of 2014, the highest suicide rate was among people age 85 and older, while the second highest was between 45 and 64 years of age.
- In 2014, the top 9 states with the highest suicide rate are (in order of highest rate to lowest):
- Montana
- Alaska
- New Mexico
- Wyoming *had the highest jump between 2011 and 2012*
- Utah
- Idaho
- Colorado
- Nevada
- Oklahoma
What can WE do about this?
You can become an advocate! Take action here, by signing up to become an advocate. You can also participate in walks, help bring prevention programs to the schools, create memory quilts, and more. :)
I am an advisor for the Sheridan United Youth Group #2, and the group became a sponsor for the local Out of the Darkness Walk for Suicide Prevention. We will be walking at the 1st Annual Salem/Keizer, Oregon walk, which will be held on October 8th, 2016.
You can find out if there is a walk in your area by clicking here.
If ANYONE, and I mean ANYONE seems to feel the same way as the feelings shared in the poems I had written in high school, DO NOT HESITATE TO SPEAK UP!!!
So many of my other issues going into adulthood could have been eased and controlled better if someone had the sense to recognize the signs... AFSP says:
Something to look out for when concerned that a person may be suicidal is a change in behavior or the presence of entirely new behaviors. This is of sharpest concern if the new or changed behavior is related to a painful event, loss, or change. Most people who take their lives exhibit one or more warning signs, either through what they say or what they do.
More information about signs to watch for can be found at https://afsp.org/about-suicide/risk-factors-and-warning-signs/
Last but not least:
ALWAYS:
Don't forget the words of Albus Dumbledore:
Be the one to turn on that light...
I'm sincere when I say:
#StopSuicide #EndTheStigma #NSPW16
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Today is August 11th
For most of the world, August 11th is just another day, another dollar.
And really, it is.
But there is one significance to this day that is very important to remember.
Today is the day, two years ago, we lost our beloved Robin Williams.
Yes. The famous actor.
Why is it significant to remember? Well, not only was Robin a huge part of everyone's lives, but he also, post life, is making an impact on millions of people who suffer from anxiety and depression and more.
How, you ask, is he making an impact now?
His death is helping hundreds, if not thousands of people to seek help for their mental disorders.
While there are many things we still don't know about mental health, more people are talking about it. The more we talk about it, the more chances we have of helping each other handle our mental issues.
There is no cure for any of these disorders. I'm talking about things like depression, anxiety, bi polar, schizophrenia, split personality, PTSD, borderline personality, autism, and more. The list is long, and I'm sure there are previously unknown disorders that are being investigated as we speak.
The fact of the matter is, Robin's death put the limelight back onto mental health, and sparked many people to start talking about it again. Suicide didn't kill him- depression killed him.
I have a friend who is currently opening up about her life with borderline personality. She's been struggling with depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, cutting, and more over a number of years. She's been alienated by her own family, and lost friendships. Now she's speaking out, blogging to help relieve some of her own demons, and hoping to help others who are dealing with the same demons, or at least similar ones.
I've blogged about my bout with depression in the past as well. There are many other bloggers who are working daily to help spread the word on mental health, and help other's reach out and get the help they need to survive.
Robin's death surprised many because we didn't know he suffered silently. And that's the problem. There are so many people who suffer silently, and then become lost and forgotten. It's not something that only the rich and famous are dealing with either.
Robin Williams' death affected me more than I thought it possible. I actually met him while filming the movie Jack. It was my senior year of high school, and the local music departments were asked to send some students as extras to film the graduation scene up on Mt. Tamalpias. I was one of a group of my friends from high school that got to go up for a few days and film. The day I was there, I remember hanging around after hair and makeup was done, waiting for the director Francis Ford Coppola to arrive and tell us to take our places. Robin hung out with a bunch of extras, joking with them and acting like he had known them forever. I was too shy to be in that group, lol, but I stood there watching the interactions. I remember thinking how down to earth Robin was, and he didn't care that he was a huge star at that moment. When filming wrapped up, Robin approached every single extra that day- when he got to me, I was speechless. He shook my hand, looked me in the eye and said a simple "Thank you!" I was so star struck I didn't know how to react. But that moment is one of those moments I will never forget. He showed me how humble he really was, and that his stardom didn't affect his true personality one bit. He showed me that every single person was important, even a mere high school extra on a big film production. At one time in my high school career, I had declared I was going to attend every school that Robin attended, and become an actress. That's how much he impacted me.
So, today, August 11th, is a day to remember. We will always remember your fiery personality on film and in person. I will always remember how humble you were and how much you really cared for everyone. Two years later, it's still hard to accept that we won't see any new films of yours.
And really, it is.
But there is one significance to this day that is very important to remember.
Today is the day, two years ago, we lost our beloved Robin Williams.
Yes. The famous actor.
Why is it significant to remember? Well, not only was Robin a huge part of everyone's lives, but he also, post life, is making an impact on millions of people who suffer from anxiety and depression and more.
How, you ask, is he making an impact now?
His death is helping hundreds, if not thousands of people to seek help for their mental disorders.
While there are many things we still don't know about mental health, more people are talking about it. The more we talk about it, the more chances we have of helping each other handle our mental issues.
There is no cure for any of these disorders. I'm talking about things like depression, anxiety, bi polar, schizophrenia, split personality, PTSD, borderline personality, autism, and more. The list is long, and I'm sure there are previously unknown disorders that are being investigated as we speak.
The fact of the matter is, Robin's death put the limelight back onto mental health, and sparked many people to start talking about it again. Suicide didn't kill him- depression killed him.
I have a friend who is currently opening up about her life with borderline personality. She's been struggling with depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, cutting, and more over a number of years. She's been alienated by her own family, and lost friendships. Now she's speaking out, blogging to help relieve some of her own demons, and hoping to help others who are dealing with the same demons, or at least similar ones.
I've blogged about my bout with depression in the past as well. There are many other bloggers who are working daily to help spread the word on mental health, and help other's reach out and get the help they need to survive.
Robin's death surprised many because we didn't know he suffered silently. And that's the problem. There are so many people who suffer silently, and then become lost and forgotten. It's not something that only the rich and famous are dealing with either.
Robin Williams' death affected me more than I thought it possible. I actually met him while filming the movie Jack. It was my senior year of high school, and the local music departments were asked to send some students as extras to film the graduation scene up on Mt. Tamalpias. I was one of a group of my friends from high school that got to go up for a few days and film. The day I was there, I remember hanging around after hair and makeup was done, waiting for the director Francis Ford Coppola to arrive and tell us to take our places. Robin hung out with a bunch of extras, joking with them and acting like he had known them forever. I was too shy to be in that group, lol, but I stood there watching the interactions. I remember thinking how down to earth Robin was, and he didn't care that he was a huge star at that moment. When filming wrapped up, Robin approached every single extra that day- when he got to me, I was speechless. He shook my hand, looked me in the eye and said a simple "Thank you!" I was so star struck I didn't know how to react. But that moment is one of those moments I will never forget. He showed me how humble he really was, and that his stardom didn't affect his true personality one bit. He showed me that every single person was important, even a mere high school extra on a big film production. At one time in my high school career, I had declared I was going to attend every school that Robin attended, and become an actress. That's how much he impacted me.
So, today, August 11th, is a day to remember. We will always remember your fiery personality on film and in person. I will always remember how humble you were and how much you really cared for everyone. Two years later, it's still hard to accept that we won't see any new films of yours.
Thank you Robin Williams! We miss you!
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Nightmares. Do you have them too?
This one is a doozy. So strong, it woke me up at 2 am in a panic. It actually involves my ex. :'(
I dreamed that I was moving into a new house, and I turn the corner in my hallway and he (my ex) is standing right there, and I scream and slip and faint. When I wake up I'm in a locked room, and my 7 yo is just sitting on a chair playing a game on a phone. Then the ex comes in and my son gets up, runs to him to give him a hug, and they leave together, without saying a thing to me. Then the ex comes back, says something that I can't remember now, but it was something that made me start panicking... That's when I woke up for a bit (about 30-40 minutes). I went back to sleep, and the nightmare actually continued. I was able to get out of the room and run across the freeway (yea, strange) and run into a bathroom in a restaurant and call 911. I was telling the person that I had been kidnapped, my son was missing, and I was able to escape, but I couldn't tell them where I was because I was afraid that he would find me. I told them he wanted to kill me, and I was scared that he would kill all three kids. cry emoticon Then my alarm started going off and I had to get up again.
Anyone an expert in nightmares? What could this mean? It still gives me shivers, and makes me go look through my house before I go to sleep and right after I wake up, and even when I first get home from work. Not a good thing.
What nightmare have you had that has stayed with you for a long time? Was it so strong it felt like you were actually experiencing it, and NOT dreaming?
I dreamed that I was moving into a new house, and I turn the corner in my hallway and he (my ex) is standing right there, and I scream and slip and faint. When I wake up I'm in a locked room, and my 7 yo is just sitting on a chair playing a game on a phone. Then the ex comes in and my son gets up, runs to him to give him a hug, and they leave together, without saying a thing to me. Then the ex comes back, says something that I can't remember now, but it was something that made me start panicking... That's when I woke up for a bit (about 30-40 minutes). I went back to sleep, and the nightmare actually continued. I was able to get out of the room and run across the freeway (yea, strange) and run into a bathroom in a restaurant and call 911. I was telling the person that I had been kidnapped, my son was missing, and I was able to escape, but I couldn't tell them where I was because I was afraid that he would find me. I told them he wanted to kill me, and I was scared that he would kill all three kids. cry emoticon Then my alarm started going off and I had to get up again.
Anyone an expert in nightmares? What could this mean? It still gives me shivers, and makes me go look through my house before I go to sleep and right after I wake up, and even when I first get home from work. Not a good thing.
What nightmare have you had that has stayed with you for a long time? Was it so strong it felt like you were actually experiencing it, and NOT dreaming?
Friday, April 17, 2015
"I Know, I Know (I've Been There Too)"
I want to let you know about a new friend of mine. She's absolutely amazing!! And she's going viral!
Who might this be you ask, and how has she gone viral?
Well, it's none other than the beautiful and talented Shannon Curtis.
And I'll get to the viral part in a minute.
I first heard about Shannon through a mutual friend. My friend, D we'll call her, invited me to a house concert last June. Never heard of a house concert before? Neither had I, lol... Anyway, D had invited me to another one a year or two prior, but for some reason I didn't go. This time, she shared a link to a cute song by Shannon called "Let's Stay In" Watch it first, and you'll see what I saw and heard:
June 2014 came, and I joined my friend D and a bunch of other locals for the house concert. Set in a backyard just a couple blocks from my own house, on a nice summer evening, I had no idea what to expect. When I arrived, I quickly found D, and she immediately introduced me to Shannon!
By the end of the evening, my teenage daughter, my then 5yo son, and myself were amazed. It was amazing to hear Shannon's voice mix angelically with her synthesizer. I absolutely LOVED the songs she had sung. She was promoting her newest album at the time Metaforma. I took the opportunity to purchase that album, and a couple other albums that she had brought along.
See the unique thing about Shannon is that she does these house concerts via donations and merchandise sales. She does not sell tickets for her concerts, nor performs in huge stadiums. She travels all over the US and sometimes into Canada with her husband/producer Jaime Hill, in their cute little VW car. Just the two of them. Love it! And through their travels, they connect with EVERYONE. She not only has her personal Facebook page, but also a professional FB page, a website, a YouTube channel, Twitter... She has a heart of gold too. I'll tell you more about that in just a sec.
Right now she is in the planning for her 2015 Summer House Concert Tour. I hope to hear that she is coming near me again, so I can see her perform again. Hopefully I'll be in a better position to sign up to host one of her house concerts next year. :)
Just a few days ago she unveiled her newest video, with a song that is off her upcoming album which she will be promoting during this summer's house concert tour. Before I share that video with you, you need to know a little more about her video and the song. The song is titled "I Know, I Know" It's a powerful song. The message is real. To add to the lyrics, the video shows snippets of personal messages from some of her friends. A few months ago she posted on her FB asking for some help with a project. Turns out the project was this song and video! Who knows how many people submitted videos to her for the project, but the ones she picked were powerful.
So, I'll just get right to the point: the video was unveiled April 7th. Yesterday afternoon, April 15th, the video ended up on Upworthy, an online publishing/news feed on FB. They share "things that matter."
To put it in other words: THE VIDEO HAS GONE VIRAL!! As of last tally (just as I'm typing), the post share via Upworthy about Shannon's video for "I Know, I Know" has had over 2.3 MILLION VIEWS!!
NOW, see the video for yourself!
I'm throwing around ideas for my own message to share with Shannon on her site that she shares at the end of the video: http://iknowiknow.me.
And yesterday Shannon and Jaime started a 3 week long fundraising campaign to get the new album Connections into finished production. Check out her webpage at http://shannoncurtis.net/, and help her out by clicking on the right side of the page, and picking a donation level that you are comfortable with. I'm still debating on which level I can afford vs which one I really want to donate to. :) A bonus: one of the $40 donation levels will have ALL PROCEEDS go to the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance!
Now can you understand why I said she has a heart of gold? :)
Now GO! Listen to her music. Support her efforts! BECOME A FAN!! <3 <3 <3
Who might this be you ask, and how has she gone viral?
Well, it's none other than the beautiful and talented Shannon Curtis.
Photo by Stephan Babuljak Photography
And I'll get to the viral part in a minute.
I first heard about Shannon through a mutual friend. My friend, D we'll call her, invited me to a house concert last June. Never heard of a house concert before? Neither had I, lol... Anyway, D had invited me to another one a year or two prior, but for some reason I didn't go. This time, she shared a link to a cute song by Shannon called "Let's Stay In" Watch it first, and you'll see what I saw and heard:
Amazing song. Adorable visuals on this as well!
The song by itself got me intrigued. I absolutely love her voice, and her lyrics are thought provoking! So I looked up a few other songs, and listened to them and decided "Why not?"
June 2014 came, and I joined my friend D and a bunch of other locals for the house concert. Set in a backyard just a couple blocks from my own house, on a nice summer evening, I had no idea what to expect. When I arrived, I quickly found D, and she immediately introduced me to Shannon!
By the end of the evening, my teenage daughter, my then 5yo son, and myself were amazed. It was amazing to hear Shannon's voice mix angelically with her synthesizer. I absolutely LOVED the songs she had sung. She was promoting her newest album at the time Metaforma. I took the opportunity to purchase that album, and a couple other albums that she had brought along.
See the unique thing about Shannon is that she does these house concerts via donations and merchandise sales. She does not sell tickets for her concerts, nor performs in huge stadiums. She travels all over the US and sometimes into Canada with her husband/producer Jaime Hill, in their cute little VW car. Just the two of them. Love it! And through their travels, they connect with EVERYONE. She not only has her personal Facebook page, but also a professional FB page, a website, a YouTube channel, Twitter... She has a heart of gold too. I'll tell you more about that in just a sec.
Right now she is in the planning for her 2015 Summer House Concert Tour. I hope to hear that she is coming near me again, so I can see her perform again. Hopefully I'll be in a better position to sign up to host one of her house concerts next year. :)
Just a few days ago she unveiled her newest video, with a song that is off her upcoming album which she will be promoting during this summer's house concert tour. Before I share that video with you, you need to know a little more about her video and the song. The song is titled "I Know, I Know" It's a powerful song. The message is real. To add to the lyrics, the video shows snippets of personal messages from some of her friends. A few months ago she posted on her FB asking for some help with a project. Turns out the project was this song and video! Who knows how many people submitted videos to her for the project, but the ones she picked were powerful.
So, I'll just get right to the point: the video was unveiled April 7th. Yesterday afternoon, April 15th, the video ended up on Upworthy, an online publishing/news feed on FB. They share "things that matter."
To put it in other words: THE VIDEO HAS GONE VIRAL!! As of last tally (just as I'm typing), the post share via Upworthy about Shannon's video for "I Know, I Know" has had over 2.3 MILLION VIEWS!!
NOW, see the video for yourself!
I'm throwing around ideas for my own message to share with Shannon on her site that she shares at the end of the video: http://iknowiknow.me.
And yesterday Shannon and Jaime started a 3 week long fundraising campaign to get the new album Connections into finished production. Check out her webpage at http://shannoncurtis.net/, and help her out by clicking on the right side of the page, and picking a donation level that you are comfortable with. I'm still debating on which level I can afford vs which one I really want to donate to. :) A bonus: one of the $40 donation levels will have ALL PROCEEDS go to the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance!
Now can you understand why I said she has a heart of gold? :)
Now GO! Listen to her music. Support her efforts! BECOME A FAN!! <3 <3 <3
Saturday, March 28, 2015
What make you angry, or just irks you the most?
For me, right now that is, it's the school district, and the local bus company that they have a contract with.
Here's why.
Today a group of the high school girls had the opportunity to visit a shop that gives away prom dresses. The school arranged for them to go, submitted the request for a bus, and told the girls they were leaving at 5:30am. With a group of around 25 girls, it's gonna take a whole entire day to try on and pick out the best dress.
So I drive my daughter and three of her friends to the school at 5:15am, and sit and wait for them to board the bus so I could go home... 5:30 comes and goes and no bus. One of the teacher chaperones started looking for the number of the bus barn to find out what was going on. Meanwhile, the group of girls are freezing. I mean, It's the butt crack of dawn and most of them are still waking up! It's COLD outside at that time of the morning. Anyway, the teacher can't get a hold of anyone at the bus barn. She finally get's a hold of the school secretary who in turn tried to get a hold of them as well. Nothing.
And this whole time span, of around an hour of back and forth phone calls, the girls are STILL outside, freezing. The teacher that was there didn't have access to the school for them to go inside and stay warm or even use the bathroom. WTH?
FINALLY, an hour and half later, the school secretary and the teacher decided that the bus was never going to show up. So the alternative was to use the small district buses. One slight problem though. Only one certified driver was available and there were too many girls to fit legally onto that one small bus. Thankfully a mom volunteered to drive a few girls in her van.
Little more than TWO HOURS later, they were finally off!
So, apparently this isn't the first school event this year the bus company has forgotten about. They've forgotten a couple sports teams as well this year. I say three times is three times too many!! I was also told that the company is going through major restructuring and has been going through new drivers like a box of kleenex. Not good.
And the teacher that didn't have access to the school to let the girls in this morning while they were waiting? She had been previously stripped of front door privileges a few months back for something that she wasn't responsible for. So, the school should have had another teacher available to let the kids in to stay warm. OR they could just have allowed this teacher full access again!
I'm definitely going to write a strongly worded letter to the school principal and superintendent, as well as the bus company.
What's been your beef lately?
Here's why.
Today a group of the high school girls had the opportunity to visit a shop that gives away prom dresses. The school arranged for them to go, submitted the request for a bus, and told the girls they were leaving at 5:30am. With a group of around 25 girls, it's gonna take a whole entire day to try on and pick out the best dress.
So I drive my daughter and three of her friends to the school at 5:15am, and sit and wait for them to board the bus so I could go home... 5:30 comes and goes and no bus. One of the teacher chaperones started looking for the number of the bus barn to find out what was going on. Meanwhile, the group of girls are freezing. I mean, It's the butt crack of dawn and most of them are still waking up! It's COLD outside at that time of the morning. Anyway, the teacher can't get a hold of anyone at the bus barn. She finally get's a hold of the school secretary who in turn tried to get a hold of them as well. Nothing.
And this whole time span, of around an hour of back and forth phone calls, the girls are STILL outside, freezing. The teacher that was there didn't have access to the school for them to go inside and stay warm or even use the bathroom. WTH?
FINALLY, an hour and half later, the school secretary and the teacher decided that the bus was never going to show up. So the alternative was to use the small district buses. One slight problem though. Only one certified driver was available and there were too many girls to fit legally onto that one small bus. Thankfully a mom volunteered to drive a few girls in her van.
Little more than TWO HOURS later, they were finally off!
So, apparently this isn't the first school event this year the bus company has forgotten about. They've forgotten a couple sports teams as well this year. I say three times is three times too many!! I was also told that the company is going through major restructuring and has been going through new drivers like a box of kleenex. Not good.
And the teacher that didn't have access to the school to let the girls in this morning while they were waiting? She had been previously stripped of front door privileges a few months back for something that she wasn't responsible for. So, the school should have had another teacher available to let the kids in to stay warm. OR they could just have allowed this teacher full access again!
I'm definitely going to write a strongly worded letter to the school principal and superintendent, as well as the bus company.
What's been your beef lately?
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