This is what Depression and Anxiety look like...

Its ugly. 

Its gross.

Its REAL.

Its typing up a long post and then deleting all of it because you just can't face the truth. 

Its insomnia at 1am. Or 4am. Or even 2am.

Its multiple days of barely any sleep then multiple days of oversleeping.

It's coming home from a 8 hr day of work and plopping down in the couch and doing nothing. 

Its playing computer games to ignore the chores that need to be done. 

It's not taking care of yourself properly or your home properly.

Its cleaning your nails out after scratching your head to get the build up of dirt and gunk temporarily off your head for those fleeting moments...

It's not having the energy to even get up off the couch, or wherever you're sitting, to go wash your hair, let alone have the energy to have a full body shower for weeks, if not months...

It's not making that important phone call because you are ashamed to tell anyone about your situation.

Its forgetting to fill out important paperwork. 

Its forgetting to take the trash can out to the curb every other week.

Its thinking you saved the draft of the post, and then finding out you actually closed it out without saving it. 

Its exhausting. 

Its debilitating sometimes.

This is what depression and anxiety look like for me.

This is just a small picture of my ongoing battle. 

I'll be ok. Eventually. I'm in the bottom of the valley right now. I'll be heading uphill soon. I hope. I don't think I can go any lower.

How DO you cope with it all?

This year has been an emotional roller coaster.

A doozy of a roller coaster too.

We've seen oppression, hatred, utter violence, stupidity in the highest degree... and much much more...

So how DO you cope with it?

I'm barely hanging on.

I have my own personal battles to fight, most of them are loosing battles.

Positives for 2017:  I started a new business. I have 3 amazing children. I'm able to afford, barely, to keep us fed, clothed, and sheltered. I got to travel a few places that I've never been to before.

Negatives for 2017: I'm tired all the time. I'm severely depressed. I lost my dad unexpectedly halfway through the year. I fight with my kids all the time (I mean, what parent doesn't?). My anxiety is gonna cost me my full time job someday, and I don't know how to fix it. I'm still single, and will probably be for the rest of my life because of all my problems. :(

I can't even get into the worst of it...

HOW do you cope?

Digging into my dark past

The last few days I've been doing some long overdue house cleaning.

I found a binder behind the couch filled with poems and songs I had written during high school.

All I have to say is...

WOW.


I was in a dark place during high school. No wonder why I don't have many memories from that time period of my life. I had no idea how dark that was either, but re-reading these poems/songs made me feel the need to share them.

I'm sharing them to give people a glimpse into the mind of someone who was reserved. Someone you wouldn't have though now could have ever been anything other than who she is now.

Believe me, I was once into dark stuff. My only high school memories were that of doing music and drama, and the music I listened to. Oh yea. I listened to Pantera, Metallica, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Godsmack... There were more, but I can't remember them all. I actually still listen to them every once in a while, but not as I used to. Heck, my daughter is really into the same music I was in high school... and actually that somewhat scares me. However, she's not the reserved person that I was. She actually goes places with her friends. She actually is socially active, and knows people and talks to everyone. I was NOT that way at all. I actually ran away from home twice when I was in high school. So, yea, I don't remember much else from high school other than I was there.

So here are two poems I wrote back in high school. The first one will strike a chord with the majority of the girls today. So many people seem to feel they have to fit into society a certain way, and when they don't, the only solution, to them, is to commit suicide. I think I wrote this when I was starting to have some suicidal thoughts. This probably was written sometime around the first time I ran away.

Poem 1:

I don't understand

Why life ain't so grand

I don't wanna be insane

But I'm standing in the rain

Why do we have to be

Everything that we see

I look in the mirror

I just wanna kill her

I'm going insane

I can feel the strain

God fails

Satan prevails

I know the devil

He owns the underworld

The seasons pass me by 

I'm gonna say goodbye

I don't care what you say

You can't make me stay

I am Insanity

You'll never get away from me

God fails

Satan prevails

I know the devil

He owns the underworld

That's where I will go

You can't tell me no

The mirror cracks

Face the facts

God failed 

Satan prevailed.

This second poem has a small notation with it. It says "Inspired by the NBC movie 'A friend to die for.'"  I actually had to look that up to see if I could find out information about that movie, because I don't remember anything about it.  The movie, as it turns out, is based on a true story.

Poem 2

The moon goes down

The sun goes up

I can't forget last night

But it's too late, I'm stuck

I wanted to be like her

I hate myself

Last night went by in a blur

My head belongs on a shelf

It is I who should die

I'm starting to cry

It is I who should die

It's time for me to fly

The look in her eyes

Her attitude toward life

She got all the guys

I found my knife

Beat by beat

Stab by stab

She ended up in the street

It is not I who is crazy

It is I who is mad

It is I who should die

I can not NOT cry

It is I who should die

It is time for me to fly

Again, the pressures of teenagers. And sadly, if these issues are not talked about and the person does not receive help, they carry on into adult life... and that's when you have all these current news stories about women who flipped out over a small thing and murdered their child, or a dad that got depressed and murdered his entire family before committing suicide himself...

Why am I doing this? Why am I talking about pressures of teenagers and suicide and dark thoughts and 90's movies?

My ultimate motive here is this:  This week is National Suicide Prevention Week.

You heard me right.

National Suicide Prevention Week,

Here are some statistics from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (click on the website link for more statistics.)

• Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.
• On average, there are 117 suicides per day.
• For every suicide, 25 attempt
• Women attempt suicide 3x's more often than men, but men die by suicide 3.5x's more often than women
• Suicide rates have gone up over all in the US between 2005 and 2014 (most recent data available)
• As of 2014, the highest suicide rate was among people age 85 and older, while the second highest was between 45 and 64 years of age.
• In 2014, the top 9 states with the highest suicide rate are (in order of highest rate to lowest):

1. Montana
2. Alaska
3. New Mexico
4. Wyoming *had the highest jump between 2011 and 2012*
5. Utah
6. Idaho
7. Colorado
8. Nevada
9. Oklahoma

What can WE do about this?

You can become an advocate! Take action here, by signing up to become an advocate. You can also participate in walks, help bring prevention programs to the schools, create memory quilts, and more. :)

I am an advisor for the Sheridan United Youth Group #2, and the group became a sponsor for the local Out of the Darkness Walk for Suicide Prevention.  We will be walking at the 1st Annual Salem/Keizer, Oregon walk, which will be held on October 8th, 2016.  

You can find out if there is a walk in your area by clicking here.

If ANYONE, and I mean ANYONE seems to feel the same way as the feelings shared in the poems I had written in high school, DO NOT HESITATE TO SPEAK UP!!!

So many of my other issues going into adulthood could have been eased and controlled better if someone had the sense to recognize the signs... AFSP says:

 Something to look out for when concerned that a person may be suicidal is a change in behavior or the presence of entirely new behaviors. This is of sharpest concern if the new or changed behavior is related to a painful event, loss, or change. Most people who take their lives exhibit one or more warning signs, either through what they say or what they do.

More information about signs to watch for can be found at https://afsp.org/about-suicide/risk-factors-and-warning-signs/

Last but not least:

ALWAYS:

Don't forget the words of Albus Dumbledore:

Be the one to turn on that light...

I'm sincere when I say:

#StopSuicide #EndTheStigma #NSPW16

Today is August 11th

For most of the world, August 11th is just another day, another dollar.

And really, it is.

But there is one significance to this day that is very important to remember.

Today is the day, two years ago, we lost our beloved Robin Williams.

Yes. The famous actor.

Why is it significant to remember?  Well, not only was Robin a huge part of everyone's lives, but he also, post life, is making an impact on millions of people who suffer from anxiety and depression and more.

How, you ask, is he making an impact now?

His death is helping hundreds, if not thousands of people to seek help for their mental disorders.

While there are many things we still don't know about mental health, more people are talking about it. The more we talk about it, the more chances we have of helping each other handle our mental issues.

There is no cure for any of these disorders. I'm talking about things like depression, anxiety, bi polar, schizophrenia, split personality, PTSD, borderline personality, autism, and more. The list is long, and I'm sure there are previously unknown disorders that are being investigated as we speak.

The fact of the matter is, Robin's death put the limelight back onto mental health, and sparked many people to start talking about it again. Suicide didn't kill him- depression killed him.

I have a friend who is currently opening up about her life with borderline personality. She's been struggling with depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, cutting, and more over a number of years. She's been alienated by her own family, and lost friendships. Now she's speaking out, blogging to help relieve some of her own demons, and hoping to help others who are dealing with the same demons, or at least similar ones.

I've blogged about my bout with depression in the past as well. There are many other bloggers who are working daily to help spread the word on mental health, and help other's reach out and get the help they need to survive.

Robin's death surprised many because we didn't know he suffered silently. And that's the problem. There are so many people who suffer silently, and then become lost and forgotten.  It's not something that only the rich and famous are dealing with either.

Robin Williams' death affected me more than I thought it possible. I actually met him while filming the movie Jack.  It was my senior year of high school, and the local music departments were asked to send some students as extras to film the graduation scene up on Mt. Tamalpias. I was one of a group of my friends from high school that got to go up for a few days and film. The day I was there, I remember hanging around after hair and makeup was done, waiting for the director Francis Ford Coppola to arrive and tell us to take our places. Robin hung out with a bunch of extras, joking with them and acting like he had known them forever.  I was too shy to be in that group, lol, but I stood there watching the interactions. I remember thinking  how down to earth Robin was, and he didn't care that he was a huge star at that moment. When filming wrapped up, Robin approached every single extra that day- when he got to me, I was speechless. He shook my hand, looked me in the eye and said a simple "Thank you!"  I was so star struck I didn't know how to react. But that moment is one of those moments I will never forget. He showed me how humble he really was, and that his stardom didn't affect his true personality one bit. He showed me that every single person was important, even a mere high school extra on a big film production. At one time in my high school career, I had declared I was going to attend every school that Robin attended, and become an actress.  That's how much he impacted me.

So, today, August 11th, is a day to remember. We will always remember your fiery personality on film and in person.  I will always remember how humble you were and how much you really cared for everyone. Two years later, it's still hard to accept that we won't see any new films of yours.

Thank you Robin Williams! We miss you!