Gratitude

 

Philippians 4:8  

King James Version:  Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Common English Bible:  From now on, brothers and sisters, if anything is excellent and if anything is admirable, focus your thoughts on these things: all that is true, all that is holy, all that is just, all that is pure, all that is lovely, and all that is worthy of praise. 

Eugene Peterson's The Message: Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.

New Living Translation:  And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 

Of all these versions of the same verse, I think I can relate to either The Message version or the NLT version better. Or a combination of those two.

I'm going through a devotional right now on my YouVersion Bible app, and today's verse is Philippians 4:8.  The reflection is asking me to write down the same verse from 3 different versions, and ask God for guidance. 

The Message tells me to meditate and fill my mind on good thoughts, and then clarifies it to be the BEST, the BEAUTIFUL, and things to PRAISE...  and NLT says to fix my thoughts on truth and things that are worthy of praise.

I have two good friends that started their own social network, and that network is full of the people that they have personally invited in. So really, it's a small network of like minded people, who have a passion for life in general. One of the things they started was a daily gratitude check in.  It's just one of many topics that they encourage us to post about. And it's the topic that is the most used right now, followed by Self Care, Music, Social Justice, Mental Wellness, and 9 more topics.  

Creating a daily gratitude list falls into the category of  praise for sure. I have had a lot of trouble with making a daily list. Heck, I have trouble with making a list EVER. :'( 

Why? Why do I struggle to come up with things I am grateful for? These are good thoughts, worthy of praises, so I SHOULD have something to say every day.  Why is it so hard to even come up with a list of things that you want to praise? Like I said, I struggle with even thinking of one. I just don't have the energy most days.

But in reality, as soon as you come up with one thing, no matter how small it is, more small things come to your mind. Pretty soon you have a list that you didn't think it would be possible to create!

It's all about making it a habit. Experts say it takes a specific number of days to create a good habit and making it stick to become routine.  Most experts say 21 days. 21 days to form a habit. But some experts says it can take an average of 2 months, or 66 days to make that habit become an automatic routine. One study in particular says it took participants anywhere from 18 to 254 days to make the habit an automatic routine. O-o 

So how long should I continue to try and make a gratitude list?  IDK. I'll just keep trying!

There will ALWAYS be SOMETHING to be grateful for, something worthy of praise, something good, something beautiful, something compelling and authentic.

Authentic is being true to yourself, and not giving a darn about what other's think. I could keep going down the rabbit hole and get completely off track... so I'll stop here.

But think about it yourself. MEDITATE on it.  Make your list of things that are true, honorable, authentic, noble, worthy of praise. Even if it's a small thing.

I'm grateful for having a job.

For having friends to talk to.

For having food to eat.

For warmth.

For coffee.

My Personal Pandemic Story: Part 2

Being an introvert made quarantine almost easy. The first two weeks almost felt like a normal spring break for me. The only part that was different was not being able to go out to eat or go to the movie theater. In fact, my son and I got to catch one of the very last movie shown before the movie theaters shut down. The theaters shut down March 18th. We saw the movie Onward on March 17th. Covid tricked us into thinking it was just a common cold or flu,  then viciously attacked when we least expected. As the weeks dragged on, and the need reports became more grim. I started to panic. What if I caught Covid just going to the grocery store and got really sick? Or worse what if I got my son sick? I became fearful of leaving the house to get just groceries. 3 weeks into being home, we had to distribute learning materials to the elementary school students, including chromebooks, because it was clear that we weren't coming back to the school building for the rest of the school year.  That's when the distance learning started, and the most difficult part of this pandemic started for me.  

My Personal Pandemic Story

I'm an instructional assistant in elementary school. This year I'm helping in a 5th grade classroom. The school year is almost over, shockingly. It feels like we just started, since we FINALLY came back in person on a Hybrid schedule March 15th. 

We're working on the very last writing assignment of the school year. 

Guess what the topic is...

A personal narrative about the last year dealing with Covid. 

So, I'm writing one myself, as an example for them. Cause, you know- 5th graders need examples of descriptive language such as onomotapoeia and other figurative language. 

Here's the beginning of mine:

March 13th, 2020 was a normal Friday,  or so we thought. All we knew was that a virus was getting people sick. Because of that, we were going to have an early Spring Break so the school custodians could thoroughly clean the school. At least that's what I understood. My brain was behaving like mush. We had NO idea what was coming. 

To be continued...

Reflecting

For some reason, I have found myself reflecting on my past recently. 

I keep wondering what would have happened if I hadn't met some of the people that made my life extremely difficult. 

Of course, it's not something I can change now,  so why the hell am I reflecting back on how bad my life was?

I just finished watching a newer movie on Disney+, that brought me back to the misery I experienced in high school, and the semi redemption I have received so far as an adult.  I totally identified with the main character that was bullied and ridiculed in high school for her looks.  Redemption happened when she meets up years later with the girl that was the worst bullly to her, and finally confronts her, and then they become friends. 

I actually had that happen to me. There was a girl in middle school, who was one year ahead of me. I was a 6th grader. One day in the locket room as we were getting ready for gym, or it was as I was leaving... can't remember that part... she approached me out of the blue and smacked me in the face! Let me make it clear, I had NEVER seen her before this day. I had zero clue who she was. But according to her, she was told I was "talking smack" about her so she decided to take matters into her own hands. I was so damn terrified the remainder of middle school. 

Years later we reconnected somehow. I totally remembered her, but of course she didn't remember anything about me. I actually told her about that day in middle school, and shockingly she remembered that day. In the end, we became friends, and have remained friends for over 10 years now. 

But that's not what I've been thinking about recently. 

I see friends happy with their relationships, my daughter finding the perfect boyfriend for herself, her best friends getting married, other friends of hers having a baby, my friends finding relationships after bad breakups and divorces... 

And me?

I'm afraid I'm going to be aline for the rest of my life. I don't go out. I keep wondering what would happen if I were to run into some guy from high school that I had a huge crush on, find out he's single or nearly single, and realizing that we should have been together years ago.  Ha. Just fantasy.  No way would that ever happen to me. 

Ugh. How could anyone love me right now, with all my bad habits, and more? Me, an almost 43 year old woman with 3 kids, a failed marriage and nothing exciting to talk about. 

I'm just feeling down right now. I hate single life, but I don't want to get my heart broken. 

I'm scared to put myself back out there at my age. I've been alone long enough I don't know if I even know what to do with a significant other.  😕  

Ok. Chalk it up to post Valentines Day blues and monthly period emotions.  

I'll probably never date again in my life, and that makes me feel worse every day. 

Also why the fuck does the word "again" sometimes convert to the word "absinthe" sometimes when I use the predictive swipe? smh 🤣🤣

One week in...

... and in my mind I've already started day drinking.

But only in my mind. 

Starting off the new year broke. My oldest may get evicted for not being able to pay rent. My only daughter is quarantined in another state. I still don't know if I'm staying where I am living...

If I was working from home I WOULD be day drinking. 

Guess that's what I've got going for me. I at least have a job. 

And meanwhile, outside of my little bubble the rest of the world is in raging chaos. 

One of my nearest dearest friends almost lost her life the other day, because she was choked and beaten up. Another friend is still dealing with a long drawn out court case that has been ongoing for over 5 years. Yet another is battling a second round of breast cancer, and a third type of breast cancer caused by implants she had after her first battle of cancer and subsequent double mastectomy. 

And even further outside my circle of friends, Covid is mutating and spreading faster, and the country I was born in now is facing another Civil War because the acting president is a sore loser. 

2020 was a dumpster 🔥,  and it now seems that 2021 is saying "hold my beer..."

I'm now gonna quote one of my favorite songs because it says exactly what I feel:

"Lie number one 

you're supposed to have it all together
And when they ask how you're doing
Just smile and tell them, "Never better"

Lie number 2 

everybody's life is perfect except yours
So keep your messes and your wounds
And your secrets safe with you behind closed doors

Truth be told
The truth is rarely told, now

I say I'm fine, 

yeah I'm fine 

oh I'm fine, 

hey I'm fine 

but I'm not
I'm broken
And when it's out of control 

I say it's under control 

but it's not
And you know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There's no failure, no fall
There's no sin you don't already know
So let the truth be told..."

The song is called "Truth Be Told" by Matthew West.

I am definitely not fine. I know I'm terribly broken. Nothing is under control right now. 

I WILL say the truth, no matter what.

 Let the truth be told.

2020 What?

Seems like every so often I "remember" that I have a blog... or two or three. 😉

Then I start updating and promising that I'm going to do better... yadda, yadda, yada...

Can you relate?

I'm just so bad at keeping up with ANYTHING. 

But I do have good news to share.

My depression is slowly going away!

I'm going to the gym intermittently, but man it feels good when I do. I'm also taking better care of myself. I've been using CBD drops for 8 months now, and taking some amazing supplements for 4 days now... and  🎶 "at last see the light..." 🎶

Ok, jokes aside, I can finally see what I've been missing, in these 4 short days! I feel a WORLD of difference,  and I'm still in shock!

I need more time, but I'm updating in my health and wellness blog, and also trying to start a YouTube vlog. I'll post links when I ha e time to get to my desktop, lol. 

In the meantime, I'm forging ahead, one step at a time. 

This is what Depression and Anxiety look like...

Its ugly. 

Its gross.

Its REAL.

Its typing up a long post and then deleting all of it because you just can't face the truth. 

Its insomnia at 1am. Or 4am. Or even 2am.

Its multiple days of barely any sleep then multiple days of oversleeping.

It's coming home from a 8 hr day of work and plopping down in the couch and doing nothing. 

Its playing computer games to ignore the chores that need to be done. 

It's not taking care of yourself properly or your home properly.

Its cleaning your nails out after scratching your head to get the build up of dirt and gunk temporarily off your head for those fleeting moments...

It's not having the energy to even get up off the couch, or wherever you're sitting, to go wash your hair, let alone have the energy to have a full body shower for weeks, if not months...

It's not making that important phone call because you are ashamed to tell anyone about your situation.

Its forgetting to fill out important paperwork. 

Its forgetting to take the trash can out to the curb every other week.

Its thinking you saved the draft of the post, and then finding out you actually closed it out without saving it. 

Its exhausting. 

Its debilitating sometimes.

This is what depression and anxiety look like for me.

This is just a small picture of my ongoing battle. 

I'll be ok. Eventually. I'm in the bottom of the valley right now. I'll be heading uphill soon. I hope. I don't think I can go any lower.